We are sexual beings from the cradle to grave and our sexual selves don’t disappear as we age. Join discussions to promote further understanding on sex & sexuality along with the practical use of wellness principles​.

Nov. 11, 2018

One of the real dangers in love relationships is that most people secretly believe that they must control the object of their affections in order to feel safe in the loving and being loved. Whenever we hit on the idea of influencing our partner's behavior or shaping how our relationship "should" go, we may want to pause and check whether such thoughts are a sign of control issues. Trying to restrain another's actions and emotions is a recipe for disaster, born from a need to orchestrate outcomes which, in itself is born from insecurity. Dropping your internal story about not being good enough, old traumas from past relationships, the need to control the narrative and instead surrendering to pleasure, is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner. Get out of self-consciousness and open your heart. Then you can move past your ideas about the outcome of your sexual experience and yield to the possibilities of its happenings that are beyond your control. Stay open and give way to the chance that something amazing, healing, and beautiful can occur without your having to direct or control the result based on your old behaviors that really should no longer serve you.

Thanks for reading.
As always,
Live. Well. Now.

Oct. 30, 2018

The Passion Book, modeled in part on the Kamasutra, is an explicit, unabashed, detailed,  encyclopedic description of sexual positions, methods, and pleasures. Throughout, the author, Gendun Chopel, urges his readers to engage in an exuberant, adventurous, generous, and considerate pursuit of sexual delight. It is a joyful book.

 

Translated by Donald S. Lopez, Jr. and Thupten Jinpa 
University of Chicago Press, April 2018
160 pp., $19.00, paper

Apr. 13, 2018


The word promiscuous comes from a Latin root meaning mixed up. Unlike polyamorous, loving many...promiscuous implies indiscriminate, reckless hooking-up that is more akin to a compulsion than to a committed lifestyle choice. Having sex with multiple partners in itself may not be harmful, but when the motivation for this behavior comes from a desire to numb out or escape reality rather than from joy and love, promiscuity becomes a debilitating drug. We can be preoccupied with the constant pursuit of new partners, sometimes to the exclusion of self-care, socializing, and work. We may even risk disease, violence, or unwanted pregnancy.

 

Of course, when discussing promiscuity, it's important to examine the context in which the word is being used...unfortunately, our culture throws around much shaming and name-calling when it comes to sexual habits. No one has the right to dictate to us with whom, with how many, or how often we engage in sex. What matters most is our own feelings about our behavior. Do we feel drained, exhausted and depleted by our hypersexual activity? Does it cause us to neglect other areas of our lives? Are we avoiding being present? Or do you feel uplifted, fulfilled and energized?

 

Here it may be wise to slow down our impulses through sober perception to measure them, caress them. Instead of blindly following desires, we can use them to get to know ourselves and others better by acknowledging attractions without feeling the constant need to act on them. We can hold our impulses with love, see what they are made of, where they come from, what they are trying to tell us, and where they may lead. In this way, we can feel that our sexual connections are conscious and with a purpose, rather than random, chaotic, and just plain mixed up. 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading.

As always,

 

Live. Well. Now.

 

Apr. 4, 2017

 

When we hear the word freedom, we usually define it as the absence of restriction beyond the reach of oppression, judgment or  inhibition. But we could also view freedom as a positive moving toward life and a search to connect out of free will. In fact, the freedom to do and to feel, to love, to experience, to fulfill our potential...that is TRUE freedom.

 

Typically, the call for freedom in a relationship confuses it with autonomy, with having "my own space." Yet a healthy relationship requires mutual autonomy, allowing both voices to be heard and authentic selves to grow without either trying to manipulate the other or impose a given outcome. So what seems like an agitated demand for relationship freedom might actually be a desire to escape frightening confrontation. It may be a coping mechanism learned in childhood, often through time-outs, the forced isolation of children to resolve their issues alone which, of course, they cannot possibly do. Discuss a different way to talk to one another that works for the both of you.

When such neglectful emotional exile is what we live and learn, we may develop a compulsive need for freedom from people, leading to love avoidance in relationships when we are adults. This type of enslavement to deadening, detrimental withdrawal patterns out of fear of intimacy is the very opposite of freedom.

 

We attain the freedom to relate with unconditional love by acknowledging and addressing personal issues, and by building our relationships on trust and trustworthiness. Valuing ourselves and others empowers us with the freedom to care deeply without fear of rejection and disappointment. The freedom to forgive, perhaps the hardest freedom to capture, consecrates our own impure impulses, permitting the light of awareness to illuminate them and to let us work them out.

In these ways, freedom to feel and to act frees us from our habitual self, and frees us to become our best self. 

 

Thanks for reading.

As always,

Live. Well. Now.

 

Mar. 27, 2017

No matter what the circumstances  may seem, we have the ability to stay serene. Whenever we notice that we are losing our serenity, we tend to find those comfortable spaces that show us how you lose ourselves through our addiction to discontent, anger, anxiety, shame, drama, or chaos. These  habits are the key factors that rob us of our rightful serenity. The lack of serenity is not just a signal of reactivity; it's also a reinforcement, that creates constant ripples of reactivity pulling us even further and further from our serenity. 

 

Sex and attraction are perfect playing fields to mark the depth and constancy of our serenity. Our ability to be present for the sex act no matter what happens (especially when the combustible energies flooding our system go from arousal to satisfaction), whether giving, receiving, anticipating, fulfilling, we're always ready to let go, to go for the gold! So sex always brings up desire, but can sometimes frustrate it too. To keep our serenity within all of that, to focus on the engagement with a partner,  can help build the healthy emotional muscles that maintain your serenity in daily life. 

 

Thanks for reading.

 

As always,

Live. Well. Now.