Jan. 26, 2016


 The self-centered need for validation may be the single greatest motive for sexual and romantic hook-ups.

Having narcissistic caregivers, lovers, partners, spouses leaves an individual endlessly seeking validation to fill the hole of invisibility, that lack of recognition. Similarly, when people feel inadequate in areas such as beauty, potency, or worthiness, sex can become a playing field to prove these negative core beliefs.

While many seek validation through others' praise or worship, even more unknowingly seek to confirm negative internal messages.

Expecting others to compensate for your perceived inadequacies prevents true connection during sex.  It's like having a conversation where you're just waiting for someone to finish talking so it's your turn. These interactions lack intimacy, and any validation they convey is empty and never enough.

Then there are people who seek validation in theory..."Would you still love me if .... ?" By pushing the envelope, they hope to gauge another's feelings. At its worst, the partner on the receiving end of this relational injury  might actually believe that this abuse equals caring. Typically you can't receive genuine validation since the thought process defensively blocks healthy support with tons of reasons for its inauthenticity.

Honest, not compulsive validation, is a healthy human need. One method to counter our compulsion for validation is to ask safely for honest feedback from your partner and prepare actually to receive new information about ourselves. Others can validate our perspectives and experience without necessarily agreeing with them.

True reflection presents things as they are, and if our loved ones share truths about us, we can welcome them as letting us know we are not invisible...they really do see us!


Thanks for reading.

As always,

Live. Well. Now.