Sep. 15, 2016

Touch Me Here...

How easy is it to tell your partner your sexual wants, needs and desires? Do you have these types of conversations? How do you resolve having different desires? If everyone communicates their needs openly, everyone gains because we all want to feel connected, accepted and respected for who we are.

We are constantly told that we need to tell our partner what feels good to us sexually, to be proactive with our desire, to be more assertive and bold, taking turns making that first move. But for many people, this is easier said than done. It can feel safer to remain passive and take from our sexual engagement what we can get. Women often tell me that they really like to linger in the pleasures of foreplay, that they like it as much, if not more, than the engaging itself, yet they tend to accommodate their partner wants. They tend to go along with a more stereotypically male definition of sex, where foreplay is the mere introduction to the "real thing". This type of angst and yearning is very real and to have more forepaly moments(Bliss), will need to have more real thing moments(Burst).

Many women we talk with @ TAC worry that they take too long to climax, that their partner will be bored. Once he reaches orgasm, they give up theirs as if his rhythm defines hers. They fake their orgasms, they pretend. They tell me: ‘His ego is too fragile’. ‘I don’t think he can hear me’. ‘I don’t want to hurt him.’ Or: ‘I don’t want him to be angry and to reject me.’ Or even, sometimes, ‘I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I don’t want this.’

Men like to hear the guidance, but they can’t stand the criticism. No sooner do they start to touch, than she starts dictating what to do leaving the man tense at following instructions. This tickles, this rubs. Here, not there, she is too dry; there, she is too wet. Slower, faster, harder, softer, it doesn’t stop.’

These sorts of requests can come across as commands at a time when both people in the room are at their most vulnerable. Try to talk about your preferences and desires before and after intimate moments, not only during them. 

For women and for men, when we feel sexually frustrated we are likely to be pissed off, less patient, more aggressive and tactless. Instead of saying ‘I would like more stroking because that feels really good to me’, we say: ‘Why do you always go straight for my breasts?’ or ‘You never kiss me’ or that ULTIMATE put-down: ‘I never had this problem with my previous partner.’ As a rule, sexual communication around what we want and how we want it is better discussed outside the bedroom, not while we are engaging with each other unless you both have worked to a point where you can speak freely. Expressing appreciation for having your partner in your life is critical to helping him or her feel confident to take in all your needs, without seeing your complaint as a dig toward his masculinity or her femininity.

As sexual health & wellness practicioners we do value talking, but we also challenge the insistence of the verbal as the superior way to communicate. We speak with our bodies, with actions, with a gaze. The body, as a matter of fact, is our mother tongue; we express so much in the physical language long before we utter one word. While I think that talking is important for couples, there is this perceived wisdom that if you don’t share or talk, you are not close. That is a false assumption and one that puts a lot of pressure on men in particular (they are not big talkers). There’s a lot to gain from showing your partner, non-verbally, what you like. Gently take his or her hand, guide it, move around so that you have got it where you like it. SEX is the main form of communication and you don't have to say a word.

Both men and women fall in the trap of believing that if you need to discuss methods, it means there is not a good sexual connection. How about rethinking that? Doesn’t it make more sense that if you feel you can communicate your wants openly, that’s the REAL sign of a good sexual vibe?


Thanks for reading.


As always,

Live. Well. Now.