Jan. 28, 2017


The self-centered need for validation is one of the single greatest motives for sexual and romantic hook-ups along with the need for the human touch. Growing up around narcissistic caregivers and relating with self-centered partners can leave an individual endlessly seeking validation to fill the hole of invisibility and the lack of recognition.

Similarly, when people feel inadequate in areas such as what the mainstream shows us to be beauty, potency, or worthiness, sex can become a playing field to disprove or prove these negative core beliefs. For while many seek validation through others' praise or worship, even more unknowingly seek to confirm negative internal messages.

Expecting others to compensate for your perceived inadequacies prevents true relational sex. It's like a conversation where you're just waiting for someone to finish talking so it can be your turn. These interactions lack intimacy, and any validation they convey is never enough. Then there are people who seek validation in theory: "Would you still love me if .... ?" By pushing the envelope, they hope to gauge another's feelings. At its worst, this is the partner on the receiving end of relational injury who is thinking, irrationally, that abuse equals caring. Typically they can't receive genuine validation since her or his thought process defensively blocks healthy support with a bunch of reasons for its inauthenticity. 

Honest, not compulsive validation is a healthy human need. When you begin to let go of your ego, you will no longer feel the need to prove to people how busy you are and how much you have going on in an attempt to validate your sense of worth. One method to counter our compulsion for validation is to ask safely for honest appraisals and be able to actually receive the information about ourselves. Others can validate our perspectives and experience without necessarily agreeing with them. True reflection presents things as they are, and if our partners share truths about us, we can welcome them as letting us know we are not invisible...they really do see us. 


Thanks for reading.

As always,

Live. Well. Now.